A "Better" Rule

 I have a weird habit of telling myself what to do. Like, I'll throw a tissue at a public garbage can and miss, and be about to just walk away and leave it, when the busybody in my head says, "where do you think you're going?," and I have to sheepishly go back and pick it up.  This is probably because I'm very bossy in general, and because I was home-schooled as a child and spent a lot of time in my own head (not much has changed, really, now that I think about it- except now you guys have a window in). I suppose this is what you call a "conscience," but I choose to think of it as my own personal Internal Rule Book.  These rules include things like "Never Put Off Until Tomorrow What You Can Do Today" and that old classic "Do Unto Others..."

But one of the best rules I try to live by is "Leave It Better Than You Found It".  Once you get this little phrase knocking around in your noggin, you'll be amazed at how often it applies to your situation. Here are just some of the little ways to try to leave things better as you go through your day.


While Shopping- When you try things on in a store,  hang everything you're not buying back up on the right hangers to give back to the salesperson, and pick up any pins or tags that are lying around.


 Litter- When I take Skip for a walk and have to use a baggie to pick up her, ahem, deposits, I also pick up whatever stray cigarette butts or gum wrappers are lying  around nearby. I am already crouching on the sidewalk with a plastic bag on my hand, so why not?


Bathrooms- When you use a public restroom (or even at a friend's house), replace the toilet paper roll when it's empty, and rinse out the sink when you wash your hands. Even if the mess was there when you got there, the next person is going to think you did it, so you might as well tidy up a bit.


Borrowed Things- If you borrow anything, be it a dress, a car, or a power saw from a friend, give it back in better condition than you got it- send the dress to the dry cleaner, replace the blade on the saw, and fill up the tank on the car.  It's still way cheaper than buying your own.


Parties- I'm not suggesting you turn on a loud Huey Lewis song and start a food fight like in some 80's movie, or try to be the life of the party at every shindig you attend, but if you introduce two people who make a connection, man the bar for a little bit (again, no Cocktail- style bottle twirling required) and help clean up a few glasses at the end of the night, the party will have been better for your being there. 

At the Office- At even the best offices, things sometimes get boring, tedious, frustrating, depressing, and repetitive. Rather than joining in the chorus of complaints, though, shut your mouth and try to make things just a tiny bit better- replace the toner cartridge in the printer everyone's been ignoring, bring in some cookies to share, thank someone for their hard work, and give credit where it's due. At least you won't be bored.


Your Home- Each day, try to make your house or apartment a little better than it was the day before - Whether that's through a big project like re-tiling your bathroom, or a little one like changing a light bulb that's burned out. I don't always succeed at this one (it's a little like swimming against the tide), but I'm always glad I tried.


 Boyfriends- Well... you probably aren't going to change them much for the better. But at least try not to screw them up too much for the next girl.

When you set your mind to the idea of the little contributions you can make to wherever you are, you'll find yourself doing them without thinking.  At least until that little voice in your head says "well done, ol' chap!"

Wait, did I mention that my conscience is British?

Old School

It is a gloriously beautiful hot day outside (the first great one of my vacation), and frankly, there are a hundred things I would rather be doing than sitting inside blogging (like, pretty much anything). So, instead of writing my own little version of 2010 Housekeeping Daily, I present to you this actual magazine article from Housekeeping Monthly from 1955. Just in case you think I'm too much of a throwback, take a gander at these Good Wife tips. There are some real gems in this one, so I'll just let it speak for itself.  We've come a long way, babies!

Transcribed text:

-Have dinner ready. Plan ahead,  even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

-Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives.  Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

-Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

-Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

-Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc and then run a dishcloth over the tables.

-Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you will immense personal satisfaction.

-Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

-Be happy to see him.

-Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

-Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first- remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

-Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

-Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility, where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

-Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

-Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

-Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

-Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

-Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

-A good wife always knows her place.


Article found on:carolynspreciousmemories.com
Finder credit: John Fink (thanks, dad!)

Travel Tip #006: The Squeeky Wheel

As you may or may not have noticed as a reader of this blog, I'm not much of a complainer. I know my life is pretty great- I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, and I tend to look for the silver lining, since I know I'm having my cake and eating it, too (and a lot of other corny idioms and rainbows and unicorns). However, I have learned that in certain circumstances, a little complaining can be a positive thing, especially when it is warranted.
I happen to love to travel, which is a good thing, since it feels like JM and I find ourselves on an airplane, in a car, or on a train just about every week these days. In the summer we are like nomadic gypsies, rambling our way from wedding to wedding, with barely a stopover at home to water the plants (RIP, boxwoods). But, every once in a while, while traveling, you encounter a situation where the service or amenities are less than what was promised, and in that case, I think the best thing you can do is to air your grievances. In the last couple of years, I have lodged complaints about an airplane that was stiflingly hot, one where the tray table, reading light, and earphone jack at my seat were all broken, and at restaurants where I waited an hour past my reservation to be seated, or was double-billed. Just last week, at the Bellagio in Las Vegas, our shower drained very slowly, and it took two days for a handyman to come fix it. Did I complain? You betcha!
In all of these cases, the companies were extremely gracious in accepting the complaint, and I was rewarded in the form of travel vouchers, refunds, and in the case of the Bellagio, an $85 "inconvenience credit." But before you start going around on a complaint rampage, bellyaching about every little thing, here are a few tips for how to properly, and profitably, lodge a complaint.

1. Go To The Right Person: You will only frustrate and embarrass yourself and everyone around you if you raise a stink to a flight attendant or a waitress at a restaurant. Those people rarely have the power to redress your issue, and while you are tying them up with your rant, you are causing them to neglect all of the other customers. Instead, quietly and politely ask to speak with the restaurant or hotel manager. Or in the case of airlines or retailers, wait until you are at home, and place a call or send an email to the complaints department. I have found that when they are expressed at the right time and place, companies are not only receptive to complaints, they welcome them, and are grateful to be made aware of the problem.
2. Don't Lose Your Temper: The minute you show yourself to be angry, the person you are speaking to will get defensive, and you will have lost. Not only that, but if you allow yourself to get riled up and pissed off, it will make a bad situation worse. Don't make a scene and spoil a vacation over a little problem. Try to keep your voice soft, your language clean, and your tone professional and polite. I always say, "You'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." (You didn't think I was out of corny idioms, did you?)
3. Make It Logical, Not Personal: When you lodge your complaint, make sure you describe and itemize the actual problems that caused you to be inconvenienced. "I believe there was an error on our bill" will yield far more positive results than "That jerk waiter is trying to swindle me".  You will come off a lot better to your dining or travel companions, too, who might start wishing they could disappear if you throw back your chair and start yelling.
4. Put It In Writing: If your complaint is not handled to your satisfaction at the time of the problem, go home and write a letter or an email to the proper party. Often, companies will take a written complaint more seriously than a spoken one.
5. Be Respectful and Reasonable: You can't fault a hotel for your room lights going out during a tropical storm.  But you should definitely mention it if your lights go out due to a blown fuse and the hotel takes an unreasonable time to respond. Have some restraint about what you complain about, and your issues will be taken more seriously. And, sometimes, when it seems like more trouble than it's worth, just force yourself to overlook the problems and have a good time in spite of them. If you go around whining about every little thing, you will spoil all the fun of us silver-lining folks.

Heavenly Hosts

Whether you love having friends visit in your home (as JM and I do) or dread and loath it, a little advance preparation goes a long way. Here are some tips to get you and your home prepared for overnight guests.  Not only will these things make your guests feel right at home, but most of them will make your life easier, too.  For instance, having beverages and snacks on hand and telling your guests to "help themselves" makes you look generous and hospitable, but it also lets you off the hook of having to constantly monitor their hunger/thirst levels and keep offering them things. Diabolical, I know. 


Clean Up: I don't care how big a favor you are doing them by letting them crash with you, no one should have to step over your used undies to get into the shower. And, for crying out loud, get your birth control pills off the bathroom counter. Besides, If your house is in good, clean, shape before your guests arrive, it will be easier to maintain it with those extra folks around. Do all your dishes and laundry in advance of their arrival, as those things can pile up if ignored. Pay particular attention to the spaces your guests will be occupying: Dust the guestroom, clean the toothpaste out of the bathroom sink, vacuum the floors and under the couch cushions, and wash the slipcovers if they need it.
Stock Up: It's embarrassing for everyone when you mother-in-law has to yell out the bathroom door to ask for more TP. Avoid this, and other disasters, by having extras of all of the essentials on hand. Make sure the bathroom is stocked with ample toilet paper, tissues, toothpaste, hand soap, mouthwash and floss, as well as shampoo, conditioner, lotion and a new spare toothbrush. Put at least one fresh, clean bath towel, hand towel and washcloth in there per person. And a couple blossoms in a vase on the toilet are a nice touch, as well.  You will also want to provide your guests with things to make them independent- I usually give them a spare set of keys, an umbrella, and a subway map. That way they can take off and explore the city without me.
 Shack Up: If you have a guest room, then you are pretty much all set. Just make the bed comfy and stock it with plenty of blankets and pillows. On the nightstand, put a carafe of water and a glass, a reading light, an alarm clock, and maybe a few nice-smelling flowers in a vase. But even if you will have a friend crashing in your living room on your couch or air mattress, you can still prepare the room for them. Make a bedding "kit" that can easily be stored in a closet or under the couch- put a set of clean sheets and blankets and pillows with fresh cases in a bag (a small duffle, or the plastic zip-up that your comforter came in work well). That way, you can easily help your guest make up their "bed" each night and they will know where to stash the bedding during the day.
Buck Up: If your guest is someone who grates on you emotionally, like your hypercritical cousin, set realistic expectations for the visit- expect that you might get annoyed and give yourself a few scheduled breaks during the visit- a yoga class, a walk with your dog, etc. With all guests it helps to set clear boundaries ahead of time- the duration of the stay, if anything us off-limits, etc. If  your "weekend guests" end up staying til Wednesday and polishing off your husband's 100 year-old scotch, it's your fault for not communicating better. Unless they are your very best friends, I typically limit my visitors stays to a long weekend- as they say, houseguests are like fish: they start to stink after three days. 

And, if all else fails, remember this: visits always bring pleasure- if not the arrival, the departure.


photo credit: Martha Stewart

Ask Me Anything: Wedding Daze

In case you are new here, Ask Me Anything is a feature on this site where I field reader questions to the best of my ability. The questioners get moderately useful information, and I get out of thinking up my own topic for one day, and get to act like a total know-it-all. So everybody wins. Email your own burning questions to lily@acharmedwife.com, or leave a comment on the site, and I will do my best to relieve the burning. Today's question comes from Chloe, who writes me on behalf of her engaged friend. I know what you're thinking- "Sure, Chloe. It's for your 'friend'" - But actually, Chloe is one of my lifelong besties, and she's already been married for years and has a baby, so unless she's leading some crazy double life, this one actually is for a friend. I hope her friend still likes her after she gets my advice.

Dear Charmed Wife,
I am a bridesmaid in a wedding this summer. The bride's parents are divorced and her mom is footing the bill for the wedding without her father's help. Her concern is that her fiance's family has not offered to help in any way. They haven't offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner or any portion of the wedding expenses, so her mom is bearing the burden for everything. How does she tactfully ask her soon to be in-laws to pitch in without coming across as a rude, spoiled bridezilla (which she is not)? Yikes, please help! Sincerely, Chloe


Chlo, I'm going to address this one directly to the bride, since I imagine you will probably just send her the link to this, anyway, right? Right.

On The Bright Side: First off, congratulations! I always say that one of the best things about weddings is that, through the process of planning one - working together with your intended and one another's families and taking into account all the relatives and wishes of the parents- you actually are forced to learn to BE a family. Without realizing it, this event that technically unites two families can actually serve to emotionally and spiritually unite them- it's the best kind of irony. So instead of chewing your fingernails and rolling your eyes over these interpersonal relationships, take this as an opportunity for you and your husband-to-be to hone your dialogue skills and connection and to forge an open line of communication with both sets of your folks. (Got lemons? Ta-Da: lemonade!)

Great Expectations: I'm guessing the reason your future in-laws haven't ponied up to offer their cash and their services is because they don't really know what is expected of them. Times have changed since the era in which our parents got married. Couples frequently front the cash for their own nuptials, and a lot of tradition has been turned on it's head. My parents had what was, in their day, a pretty large and elaborate tented wedding. But they had little input in the planning, it took place in the afternoon, and was a cocktail party- they tied the knot, took off for their honeymoon, and the whole thing was over before dinner. No seating cards, no favors, no "geegaws," as my mom calls them. When I got engaged, my folks and my husband's were incredibly generous and accommodating of everything we wanted, but they were a little surprised by the elaborateness and level of detail that has become the norm in today's weddings. It's quite possible that your future in-laws would be happy to help, but just don't even know where to start. Conversely, it's possible that they have reservations about the marriage, or have been feeling left out of the planning process. This might be particularly true if you and your groom have not sought their input into matters of tradition and aesthetic. In any case, the solution to this is to be open-minded and open-hearted and to open the lines of communication between you, your fiancé and them. One place to start the conversation is to include them in the personal side of the wedding plans- I invited my mother-in-law to go dress shopping with my mom and me and asked her to show me family wedding photos. If their religious or cultural background is different from yours, take the opportunity to learn about their traditions. Who knows? You might end up wanting to include a flower she had in her bouquet into yours, his favorite reading into your ceremony, or use family photos as decor at your reception. The more connected and involved they feel in the wedding plans, the more likely they are to want to help.

Money Matters: But, getting down to brass tacks, really, the responsibility of talking to the future in-laws about money should fall to your husband-to-be, not you. Assuming he has a decent relationship with them, he should just gently hint at the fact that the groom's family traditionally throws a rehearsal dinner, and that you guys would really love and appreciate their involvement in the wedding in general. If you would rather they contribute to the wedding costs, you can suggest that you and your groom throw a casual barbecue-style rehearsal dinner yourselves, and ask that they help host the wedding. An honest conversation about the pressure your mother is under financially should help motivate them. (Keep in mind that if they agree to co-host the wedding, you will need to include their names on the invitation, and incorporate their creative and traditional input into the event). Here's something important to remember- the amount of money or style of help they choose to give is entirely up to them. If you ask them to host the rehearsal dinner, then you must be prepared for them to do so how, where, and when they want. Ideally, they will seek your input, but don't expect to just be handed a credit card to throw the party you want for yourselves. And the same is true for the wedding- if you are getting married in a Wiccan ceremony and having a full bar (when they're Orthodox Jews who don't drink), it's not really fair or appropriate to ask them to split the check.

The Bright Side, Again: As awkward and stressful as this may feel, think of it this way: It's great practice. You may not want to have to hash things out with your fiancé's folks, but these people are about to become your family. Forever (hopefully). Down the road, when it comes time ask them to stop giving your kids candy and violent toys, or when you have to tell your elderly father-in-law that he can't drive himself anymore, you will be grateful that you built a foundation of open communication in the beginning. Good luck, and here's wishing you a lifetime of marital (and familial) bliss.

Ask Me Anything: Meet The Parents

In case you are new here, Ask Me Anything is a feature on this site where I field reader questions to the best of my ability. The questioners get moderately useful information, and I get out of thinking up my own topic for one day, and get to act like a total know-it-all. So everybody wins. Email your own burning questions to lily@acharmedwife.com, or leave a comment on the site, and I will do my best to relieve the burning. For today's installment, we hear from reader Stephanie.

Hi Lily,

I love your blog and have a burning question to which I cannot find a solid answer online.

Here's the situation: I'm meeting my boyfriend's parents for the first time. Scary. They live out of town, so it is a flight for us there and we will be staying with them for the weekend. Could you possibly do a column with some advice for this case? What is a nice gift to bring (that travels well to boot) without it looking like I tried too hard?

Any advice you could offer would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks so much,

Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,
I feel your jitters- there are few experiences in this world as nerve-wracking as the first time you meet a boyfriend or girlfriend's parents! Countless sitcoms (and more than a couple of very funny movies) have plumbed the topic- exploring the worst-case scenarios, and freaking people out the world over. But, while it is a momentous occasion (after all, if all goes well, these could be your children's grandparents), meeting mom and pop doesn't have to be a terrorizing experience, and can actually be a lot of fun. And if you're as lucky as I am, you might just end up with a couple of really wonderful new friends.
But don't worry, even if it isn't an immediate love connection between you and the folks, you will most definitely be able to find some things you like or admire about his parents. After all, these are the people who raised the man you love, right? And the good news is that they will most likely be coming into this a little nervous about meeting you, too.

Here are some things to keep in mind while you're there:

Come Bearing Gifts: You have the right idea about showing up with a gift. Your boyfriend should be able to help you out on this by telling you what they like- for example, if they are into cooking, the latest gadget from Sur La Table, personalized aprons or a cookbook is nice. If they like gardening, try some cute his-and-hers gardening gloves or a pretty potted plant (delivered ahead of time), or, if they are oenophiles, a pretty silver wine stopper or monogrammed coasters are nice. A gift that shows that you have asked about them gives you an easy way to get them talking about their passions, and shows you care. If your boyfriend doesn't provide any inspiration, you can't go wrong with a gift basket of gourmet foods from Dean & DeLuca (or local specialties from your town). I'd avoid anything decorative until you get a look at their house and know their tastes. And don't forget to send a sweet thank-you note after it's all over telling them what a wonderful time you had (even if it was like 48 painful hours of dental surgery).
Live By Their Rules: Sleep where they tell you to- a couple of nights in separate beds won't kill you. If they take their shoes off in the house, you do it, too. If you're allergic to their beloved Siamese, take a Claritin, grab a tissue, and power through it and (unless you actually get hives or something) and try not to complain- it's just a couple nights. Keep your room tidy, make your bed every morning, and don't spend 45 minutes in the shower.
Do What They Want To Do: You're there to spend time with his folks- don't try to impose your own timeline or demands on them. Eat when and where they want to eat, watch the hockey game they want to watch, and just go along with it when his mom insists on showing you twenty photo albums of your beau in his Urkel phase. Be a good sport, smile and laugh, and you may find you're actually having a good time. There are limits, though: If you're a vegetarian, you certainly don't have to choke down a rib-eye - just take a bigger helping of mashed potatoes and be gracious about it.
Cut Him Some Slack: Something about stepping into their parent's house can transform the most mature, successful man into a whiny and moody tween. Bite your tongue when he lets his mom do his laundry or bring him beers on the couch. Respect that he's probably nervous too, and realize you aren't going to win any points with his parents by nagging or berating him in front of them (you can give him hell for not telling them that you're a vegetarian when you get home).
Be Helpful: Offer to set or clear the table or help however you can. Since I mostly see my in-laws around holidays, I actually love cooking and doing dishes with my mother-in-law, since that's where we get to really chat and catch up in all the hustle and bustle. But if they insist you sit down and stop helping, don't push your help on them- they might take it the wrong way.
Be Polite, But Not Stiff. When in doubt use the "Mr. and Mrs." until they instruct you otherwise (but once they tell you to, do use their first names). They want to get to know what you're like- don't get shy or clam up completely in their presence. Feel free to crack a joke or two (or at least a smile), and tell them about yourself. But don't be too hard on yourself if you aren't perfect. The first time I met my in-laws, I talked non-stop through dinner, then forgot my bag under the table when we left and had to go back to the restaurant to get it. So they learned pretty quickly what a spazz I am, and, happily, they seem to like me anyway.

Honestly, Stephanie, the fact that you even had the consideration to write this question shows me that you have nothing to worry about- relax and be yourself, you're going to be just fine!

photo credit: via Song of the Exile

Be My Guest

This is the time of year when people travel around the world to see one another, and, happily, a lot of our favorite people end up making pit stops in New York City. That means that our usually docile social life perks up a bit, and that we have a few houseguests who will be availing themselves of the Murphy bed in our guest room in the coming weeks. And we, ourselves, will be taking over the guest room at my in-laws' house in Boston over Christmas, and back here in California at my parents' house for New Year's. While receiving visitors is one of my favorite things (what could be better than friends coming to see me in my cozy nest and I don't even have to put my shoes on?), there is certainly such a thing as a bad houseguest. As the saying goes, "Visits always bring pleasure - if not the arrival, the departure." When someone is planted in your personal space, sometimes the simplest things can make the biggest difference between the former and the latter. Here are some easy tips about how to be the kind of houseguest that gets invited back again and again.

1. Keep It Clean: This one is obvious, but no matter how much your host implores you to "make yourself at home," remember that you aren't in your home. While it might be fine for you to leave your bed unmade, dirty socks on the floor, and dirty dishes on the coffee table chez vous, don't do any of those things while staying with someone else. Keep the guest room and guest bathroom tidy, as if they might walk in at any moment. And when you leave, offer to strip the bedsheets (your host may or may not want to deal with the laundry right away), gather up used towels, and do a thorough check to make sure you are leaving the spaces you used in good order. I'm not saying you have to mop or clean the windows, but, think like CSI, and try not to leave an excessive amount of your DNA lying around: dispose of your used tissues, nail clippings, and any unusual amount of hair you may have left in the shower drain. Gross to read about, I know, but even grosser to pick up after someone else.
2. Lend a Hand: Your hosts may enjoy catering to your every need, or they may not. To offset the work they are doing on your behalf, offer to help with the little chores around the house- cooking, walking the dog, etc. (or offer to write their blog for them). The day after Thanksgiving, I came downstairs to see that my mother-in-law had already washed all the dishes, and I nearly fainted with gratitude. You don't have to offer to paint their house or mow the lawn (grand gestures are unnecessary), but that's the effect you should be going for.
3. Go With the Flow: No matter how much they love you, chances are, your visit is disrupting your hosts' usual daily rhythms. Be mindful of that, and try to ease into their schedule as much as possible. Eat when they eat, and if you are up earlier or later then they are, do your best not to disturb them. Unless you have major jetlag as an excuse, don't sleep in late and force them to tiptoe around you. If you make plans with other people while you are in town (which is totally fine), let your hosts know ahead of time, so they know they are free to make their own plans during that time.
4. Come Bearing Gifts: Bringing an inexpensive token is a great way to soften up your hosts when you arrive. And, I always say, think ahead, and a gift at the beginning of the visit can be much less elaborate or expensive than sending flowers or something after the fact. Alternatively, you could offer to take your hosts out to a meal or cook for them in the house- but make sure to schedule the event at the beginning of the visit, so it really happens. And always always send a thank-you note afterwards: It will cost you five minutes and a stamp, which is a far better deal than $450/night to stay at the Holiday Inn in Chinatown. And it's a sure-fire way to be invited back.

P.S. To my not-too-distant-future houseguests: while your visits were the inspiration for this post, I know you all to be gracious and kind people, and did not write this as a pointed hint towards you. I am sure you all have lovely houseguest manners all on your own, and JM and I are so looking forward to seeing you. That is all.
image credit: chrisstott.com

Face(book) The Facts

Sometimes it feels like the world of technology is moving faster than etiquette can keep up. And nowhere is that more apparent than on Facebook. Unless you are ultra-selective with your friends, your Facebook friends aren’t the same thing as your REAL friends. They’re more like your Facebook acquaintances. And, as such, they shouldn’t have (nor do they want, most of the time) access to your most intimate life details. If you really need advice about a break-up or you notice your friend is looking “puffy” and want to know if she’s pregnant, this is not the venue to ask. Write an email, or pick up the phone - (that’s that thing with the numbered buttons, remember?). While the helpful PSA above outlines the basics, I've added some of my own guidelines (some of which I am guilty of having broken myself in the past). Just follow these simple rules and you'll be able to keep your head and save face on Facebook.

Facebook Etiquette 101

1. Never change your relationship status alone- it should be a joint decision when, and whether, you go from “It’s Complicated” to “In a Relationship”, lest your affectionate outreach end up unreciprocated. And never, ever, ever, break up with someone by changing your status to “Single”. That is ice cold. Your former flame deserves to know it’s over at least half an hour before his or her 387 best friends do.


2. Don’t “friend” people you don’t know. It’s fine to go through your friends’ friends looking for hotties, but ask your friend for an introduction first. If you absolutely can’t resist “friend”-ing someone you don’t know, at least send a message to them introducing yourself. Unless you are confident enough in your profile pic that you think it speaks for you, I guess.

3. Conversely, it is absolutely okay to decline a friend request from someone you don’t know (I recommend it, actually). No matter how good you make your privacy settings, they only work if you don’t friend anyone who asks. It’s like installing a high-tech security system in your house, and then leaving the door ajar. And it’s okay to un-friend someone after the fact, too – they won’t receive notification that it has happened (although they might try to look at your profile or get a “friend suggestion” for you, blowing your cover. If they confront you about it, just claim Mark Zuckerberg must have screwed up something in the system.

4. “Poking” isn’t a substitute for real friendship. If we went to high school together and haven’t seen one another in years, a “poke” isn’t exactly the best way to catch up. If you want to be in touch with someone, write something on their wall, message or email them, instead. Or, if you don’t particularly care about them, then keep your virtual fingers to yourself.

5. When going in to Facebook from someone else’s computer, always remember to make sure they are logged out before you sign in, and that you log yourself out when you are done. When my now-husband and I were dating, I saw that an old friend of mine and I weren’t Facebook friends anymore. I friended her and jokingly wrote the message, “OMG, biznatch, did you un-friend me?” Turns out I was logged in to my boyfriend’s profile, and they hadn’t met yet. Oops. I had some 'splaining to do after that.

6. It’s nice to update your status every now and then, but don’t go overboard. If you find yourself logging into Facebook to update your status to say what you’re doing before you actually do anything, then you need to reprioritize your life, dude. Plus, not everyone wants to know the embarrassing details of everything you (or your baby, or your dog) do. Look through your friends, and choose one (like your friend’s dad) to use as your standard-bearer. Before you update your status to, “iS ssoO/)ooo drrunk, and hungary fot pIZtza”, think of Mr. Friends-Dad, and whether you want him to read it when he wakes up in the morning. Then press “delete”.

7. Give your photos a serious, critical, look. Don’t be an idiot- take down, or at least un-tag, that pic of you playing beer-pong in a bikini (even if your butt looks great in it). Not only is your friend’s dad gonna see it, but so might potential employers. If you post pictures of friends, keep the same thought in mind for them. Once something goes ON the Internet, you can never fully take it off.

8. There’s a reason Facebook has “wall posts” and “messages” – they are two different things. “I luv u baby, you r so hott” is something best said (or messaged) in private, not posted on your paramour’s wall. Wall posts should be things that other people will find funny or interesting, too. The exception to this is birthday posts, because having a wall-full of birthday wishes from people you hardly know makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.

Follow these rules and you'll be interacting in the virtual world with just as much grace as you do in the real world. Just please don't ask me for etiquette tips for your World of Warcraft or Second Life avatars.

Thanks A Million!

Time flies when you're having fun, and never has that been more clear for me than when I realized that today is the one-year birthday of this blog! It's been a total pleasure sharing my musings, but it wouldn't be nearly as enjoyable if there were no one reading. Thank you so much for visiting with me every day and letting me boss you around. Your readership means the world to me. Here's looking forward to another year of randomness and fun!

In keeping with today's theme of my gratitude to you for reading my blog, this post is going to be about thank-you notes. It may seem like an obvious topic for this blog, and you may be wondering why it has taken me a whole year to get around to it.
The truth is that I have been avoiding this subject because I don't like hypocrisy, especially my own. While I truly believe in the importance and merits of writing thank-you notes, I admit to being somewhat epistolarily challenged. As a child, my mom had notecards printed for me that said "Lily thanks you so much for _______. And also says:_________." And still I struggled. Even once I get the note written, I never seem to be able to find a stamp or I misplace the address. It took me over a year to write my wedding thank-you notes. So now that I have confessed completely why I am not qualified to dispense advice on this topic, I will do exactly that. The thing is, I know exactly what I should do, I just rarely manage to do it. But let's make a deal: You overlook my poor thank-you note record in the past, and I'll do my best to take my own advice and be better about expressing my gratitude in a timely manner. Starting here: Thank you so much.

1. Know When to Write: You should always write a thank-you note when someone sends or gives you a gift or flowers (the exception is very inexpensive gag gifts). You should also write a note any time someone does something kind for you: hosting a party in your honor, inviting you as a guest to a special event, hosting you overnight in their home or writing a recommendation for you. It is not required, but it's smart, to write thank-you notes to interviewers or people meeting with you regarding your career. An emailed thank-you is okay in some cases, but it simply cannot replace a real, paper note with your handwriting on it. On the plus side, you don't have to write a note to anyone who lives under the same roof as you (although a sweet post-it on their pillow is a nice gesture) or when someone gives you something as a gesture of their own thanks ("thank-you-for-thanking-me") -- no note is required when someone brings a bottle of wine or flowers to a dinner party you are hosting, for example.
2. Get Organized: Buy some pretty stationery that you really like (see below for some of my favorite options)- having stationery you love is a real motivator to send a note. I recommend flat or folding cards no bigger than 5 x 7 (if the card is too large, you will feel like you have to write a longer note). Put it in a special drawer in your desk, along with some nice pens, your address book, return address labels and stamps. If you have everything you need together in one place, it's so easy to sit down and quickly jot a nice note while the kindness is still fresh in your mind. Slap a stamp on it, and boom, you're done.
3. Act Fast: Try to write the note within 72 hours (three days) of the receiving the gift/ kind act. It's fine to send a note later than that (better late than never), but it's more likely to slip your mind. And if you wait too long, you'll have to write a longer note, and it may be harder to think of what to say. If you are writing notes for a wedding or baby shower, have someone else make a very clear and detailed list of who gave you what while you open gifts. You technically have about three months to get the notes done (not a year, Lil, yeesh), but, no matter how busy you are with other things, try to make the notes a priority, or you can quickly become overwhelmed.
4. Be Specific: A good thank-you note specifically mentions the gift or kindness received ("Thank you so much for the awesome Knicks tickets"), and goes into detail about it's use ("They were the best seats we've ever had- we really felt like we were a part of the action.") One exception to this rule is in the case of monetary gifts- don't mention the exact amount ("Thank you for the $100"), instead say "Thank you for your generosity" and mention how you plan to spend it: ("Jim and I have been saving up for a new car and we are truly touched by your kindness. We can't wait to take you for a spin!")
5. Be Sincere: You don't have to lie about loving every single gift you receive. Some faux-enthusiasm can come across as saccharine and false ("We absolutely adore the citrus reamer! How did you know?!"). If you legitimately don't like something, you still need to write a note, but you are better off expressing your gratitude at the thoughtfulness that went into the selection, rather than the gift itself ("Thank you so much for thinking of us"). And remember, when someone feels like you truly appreciate their kindness, they are so much more likely to keep being kind. Which is how writing thank-you notes makes the world a better place, one envelope-lick at a time.

Top row: Pink monogramed stationery, from finestationery.com; Flourished personal stationery, from Cambria Cove; Letterpressed floral notecards, from Carrot & Stick; Notepaper letterpressed thank-you note, from Kate's Paperie. Bottom row: Colorful "Thanks" note, from Kate Spade; Lemon-motif stationery, from iomoi; Brightly colored thank-you card sets, from Kate's Paperie; Carnival-stripe personal stationery, by Kate Spade from Crane's.

Get Toasted

While it may seem like I run my mouth off without much inhibition, I actually have a major phobia of a certain kind of public speaking: the premeditated kind. In college, I had no qualms about asking questions off the cuff in a lecture class in front of 200 people (you know, when I showed up), but put me in a small seminar class with ten people and ask us to go around in a circle and introduce ourselves, and by the time it's my turn, I will be sitting in a puddle of sweat, and barely remember my own name. And the anxiety and nervousness is directly proportionate to the length of time I am anticipating giving the speech. So I am intimately aware of the particular brand of stress that giving a toast can bring. It's one of the downsides of having friends and family that you care about (that and having to remember birthdays), that eventually, you will likely have to raise a glass and say a few words in their honor, be it to your hosts at an intimate dinner party or the couple at a large anniversary party or wedding. It's a cruel, cruel world.
But giving a toast needn't be all that anxiety-producing (or, at least, no one needs to know how apprehensive you are). Just follow these simple rules, and you'll properly honor your friends and make new ones left and right, who will, in turn, request you make toasts at their special occasions. It's a vicious cycle, so you might as well get comfortable with it.

Act Confident. Even if you are shaking in your stilettos, do your best not to let on. Speak clearly and loud enough for your voice to carry to the people in the back. It doesn't matter how great your toast is if no one can hear you, or they are too distracted by your shaky voice and sweaty brow to pay attention to what you're saying. No matter how tempting, don't turn to liquid courage; have no more than one drink before your toast- trust me, there is nothing worse than a drunk with a microphone. Lastly, try to remember that everyone present loves the honoree(s), and wants to see them properly honored. They are looking to you to do that, and rooting for you, and wishing you success.
Be Prepared. Give yourself time to think about what you want to say. Write down your ideas and form an outline. Practice what you want to say in front of the mirror. But, when the big day comes, try to work from just notes and fill in. Reading your toast off a sheet of paper comes off as amateurish and it's hard to make eye contact and a personal connection when your eyes are glued to a piece of notepaper. A good general outline: 1. Introduce yourself and your relationship to the honoree (this is unnecessary at gatherings of less than 25 people). 2. Express your happiness and pleasure at being able to speak at the event and thank your hosts. 3. Tell a cute or meaningful anecdote in the spirit of the occasion, ideally one that paints the honoree in a positive light. 4. Raise your glass, and ask everyone to join you in toasting the honoree. Done and done.
Brevity, Please. Seriously, your entire toast should be no more than five minutes at a wedding, and no more than two minutes at a more intimate dinner, people. Time yourself when you're practicing to make sure you don't go on too long. I lied before, there is something worse than a drunk with a microphone - a drunk with a microphone for twenty minutes.
Keep It Clean, Sincere and Positive. No matter how funny a story you have about the groom from the bachelor party, this is not the place for it. This should go without saying, but stay away from any "blue" content, swear words, politics, or anything controversial or potentially offensive. Humor is great, but keep the content positive and warm. Remember- it's a toast not a roast.

Good luck, and cheers!

Table the Issue

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I started out life as sort of a messy, carefree child, with twigs stuck in my bowl-cut and my overalls caked in mud. And I still like to think about myself as a fairly laid-back person (to wit: I sometimes stay in my pjs all day. I rarely vacuum. I enjoy beer). But I fell in love with a military man, and some part of that OCD seems to have rubbed off on me and sunk in real deep. And now, I have to admit, there are certain things about which I have become an absolute stickler.

One of those sticking points is the proper way to set a table. I know, you're probably thinking, "Oh, who cares, so long as there's a plate, a cup, and some sort of utensil with which to shovel the food into my gaping maw?" But the answer is: I care. And so does the rest of polite society. And so should you. Therefore, as the kindly hotel concierge teaches Julia Roberts table manners in Pretty Woman, so shall I do for you (just don't expect me to rescue you from that lecher, Jason-Alexander-before-he-was-George-Costanza.) But I digress.

If you've gotten this far into life without knowing how to set a table, it stands to reason that you could benefit from a memory aid or two. To know the placement of the utensils, as I learned from Emily Post, just remember the word FORKS. The setting goes from left to right:

F: for Fork (the salad fork goes outside the regular fork, if you are using both).
O: is for the round plate (okay, that one's a stretch, but I know you can handle it).
R: and to the Right of the plate:
K: is for the Knife and
S: is for the Spoon

See? That wasn't so bad. Nice try, Emily, but like most mnemonics, this one is slightly flawed: It leaves out the napkin, which goes to the left of the plate, underneath or inside the forks. It also can go on top of the plate if you are going for a jazzy place setting look, or want to try out a pretty napkin fold, but let's just stick to the basics for now.

Let's try another memory device, shall we? To remember the placement of the drinking glass and bread plate, just hold your pointer fingers out and touch your thumb to your other fingers. Your left hand will take the shape the letter "b" and your right hand will look like the letter "d". This indicates that the bread goes on the left and the drink goes on the right. This comes in handy at other times, too: I frequently do this under the table at weddings and fancy restaurants to keep myself from inadvertently stealing the bread or drinking from the wine glasses of my dining companions.

Now, as they say, you are all set.

Phone-y Baloney

Of all of the incredibly multitudinous ways we are rude to each other as human beings, one of the most obnoxious and pervasive is the way we use our cell phones. And who can blame us?- technology moves and changes so fast that there is hardly time to agree on rules before the next thing arrives in all of our pockets. But, if you really think about it, cell phone etiquette should rely on the same basic idea that all etiquette does: You aren't the only person on Earth, so try to move through the world in a way that isn't extremely unpleasant to your fellow planet-dwellers (and, occasionally, do something nice for someone).
Here are the basic rules I (try to) follow to keep in good standing with my species.

1. Places, please. Just because now you CAN get calls and emails while you are at the grocery store, on a train, a your cousin's graduation, in a movie theater, getting a pedicure, dining at Le Cirque, or riding a roller coaster, doesn't mean you should. When you are in public, remember that you are treading on other people's time and space- so pick up your phone only if you have to. I, for one, can say that I have never enjoyed overhearing a cell phone conversation in my life (no matter how many juicy secrets I overheard).
2. Keep It Clean. If you MUST speak on the phone in front of other people, try to keep it to pertinent topics. In other words, when it public, don't get into private conversations. It's fine to talk about where you are meeting someone or what time the movie is, but no one on the bus wants to hear about your hemorrhoids or your sex life (and, frankly, I doubt the person on the other end of the phone does either). And, for Pete's sake, there's no need to yell- they can here you fine, and so can we.
3. Dining Doom. If you meet a friend for coffee or lunch, put your phone away and leave it there. It shouldn't be on the table, and you shouldn't be checking it in your lap. If someone goes all the way out of their way to come see you in person, you should give your undivided attention to them, not the new virus warning your dad just emailed you. If you have some emergency work thing that can't wait a half an hour 'til you're done, or you suspect your wife just went into labor, excuse yourself to the bathroom or outside and deal with it there, not at the table while your friend talks to him or herself (and makes a note in their blackberry calendar never to dine with you again).
4. Ring, Ring a Song. Your "Kiss Me Through the Phone" ringtone is really cute... the first time... if you're thirteen. Otherwise, just choose a normal ring! And, please, put your phone on silent or vibrate when you are at a performance of any kind, in a library, or at the office. If you leave your phone on your desk, and it rings "I Kissed a Girl" over and over again, it is totally permissible for your coworkers to set your cell phone in jello, or hide it behind the ceiling tiles.
5. Bluetooth Bozo. Psst: This has nothing to do with etiquette, and is just me trying to save you from yourself. Here it is: You look stupid with that Bluetooth earpiece on. I get that it's helpful for when you are forced to juggle flaming swords and negotiate a hostage situation at the same time, but you look like a lunatic when you use it in public (which, incidentally, has made it much harder to pick out and avoid the real self-conversant lunatics around town), so minimize your usage when out and about.
6. A-TEN-tion! Don't try to have phone conversations just because you are bored while shopping at the grocery store. If you are distracted picking out a melon and your mind is on something else, you aren't just annoying your fellow shoppers, but being rude to the person at the other end of the phone, as well.
This is the one I'm occasionally guilty of, but let's all work to get better together.
7. Timing is Everything. Don't use the fact that almost everyone has a cell phone now as an excuse to be late. If we are meeting for dinner at 7:30, try to be there at 7:25, like in the days before cell phones. Calling me from a cab at 7:35 to say you are going to be twenty minutes late only makes you feel better- I'm still stuck waiting for you by myself.

Follow these simple (and hopefully obvious) rules, and you'll have the best manners in town. This calls for a cellebration.

Wedding Guestiquette

My parents' wedding, September 1966

In a world where etiquette seems all but forgotten, it holds strong to one last bastion: weddings. I have watched, dumbfounded, as brides who would think nothing of answering their cell phones in a movie theater and grooms who would brazenly lick their knives at fancy restaurants suddenly turn into Emily Post and the Prince of Wales when it comes to their weddings. Out of nowhere, they become totally transfixed with the proper way to address an envelope and the correct alignment of water and wine glasses. It's weird. Your friend may not have sent you a thank you note when you gave her your kidney last year, but you can bet she will send one for the potholders you gave her at her bridal shower. And that means that the newly-decorous couple will be holding you to much higher standards than usual, too. As a guest, you have less to worry about than if you have been asked to be in the wedding (if she didn't ask you to be a bridesmaid even after that whole kidney thing, that's cold), but there are certain rules you have just got to follow. Here they are, short and simple, so you can get on with it, and have a great time.
1. By Invitation Only. People go crazy over their wedding guest lists- it is often the most fraught part of the planning process for both families. So just because you have patiently listened to your coworker's daily monologue about programs, dinner entrees, and her bitchy bridesmaid, don't assume you will be invited. And don't make a big deal about it if you end up being excluded- it's likely she felt she would have to invite everyone in the office, if anyone (just be grateful it will soon all be over and you can go back to talking about faxes, lunch, and your bitchy boss, like usual). Also, only the people whose names are written on the envelope are invited to the wedding. That means that unless your friend was generous enough to write "and Guest" after your name, your brand-new girlfriend, your children, and your old friend from camp (who happens to live in the same town as the wedding) should stay home- don't ask if you can bring them.
2. R.S.V.P., S.V.P. Don't ignore that cute little card and envelope that came with the invitation. Come on- they put a stamp on it for you, and even made it fill-in-the-blank. All you have to do is check the calendar and decide whether chicken or fish will be better energy food to fuel your dancing. Don't make them call you to find out if you're coming.
3. Highly Gifted. Very few times in your life is someone going to make things easy for you by providing you with a list of presents they would like to receive from you, so take advantage of the bridal registry. If you must go off-registry, really make sure you are giving something that you are sure the couple would love, or be a lamb and provide a gift receipt. No need to break the bank, but keep in mind what the newlyweds/their families are paying to feed and entertain you- couples should spend a little more than singles. It's totally acceptable (and frequently much appreciated) to pool funds with friends and get the couple something really special, like that flat-screen you can't believe they registered for. And even if you can't attend the wedding, you should still send something. No matter what you give, though, send it ahead of time- weddings are busy and stressful enough for those involved without having to keep track of which of those tiny gift cards goes with which white-wrapped box.
4. Oh, Behave. Your friends want you to have a good time at their wedding- just not such a good time that it's a distraction from what's really important: them. You're a grown up, and you already know what that means, so I shouldn't even have to say this, but: Don't switch the seating cards around. Wear something appropriate (Ladies, no white, no necklines down to there, or hems up to here. Gentlemen, keep your shirts on). Don't be the guy initiating shot-taking before dinner. And for crying out loud, turn off your cell phone during the ceremony.
5. Play Nice: Weddings are about love and relationships, so do your best not to ruin any of yours, and try to create some nice new ones, while you're at it. No matter how stressful the trip was, or who made whom late, resist the urge to get into a fight with your significant other or friend- this is not the time or the place. Introduce yourself to the couple's parents (especially the hosts) and thank them for inviting you. Try to make some new friends, and do your best to chat up Miss Lonelyhearts at your table who doesn't seem to know anyone- she'll love you for it, and so will the couple. Oh, and for God's sake, don't say anything snarky about the bride's ugly dress anywhere near the videographer. Better yet, don't say anything snarky at all near anyone (at least until you get back to your hotel room).
6. Departing the Party. As much as it pains you, by agreeing to attend a wedding, you have agreed to take part in all of it's components. If the bride wants to toss the bouquet, suck it up and act like you want to catch it. You must stick around until after the cake cutting, even if you want to catch the last five minutes of the game at the bar. And lastly, if you want a little extra credit, send an email to the couple the next day telling them what a great time you had, and a thank-you note to the hosts. They will truly appreciate it and never, ever, forget you did. Even long after they have thrown their own propriety out the window.

Groomsman Grace and Bridesmaid Bliss

A friend of ours, who had recently been asked to be the Best Man in his brother's wedding, came over for dinner last night, and was asking us what, exactly, that responsibility entailed. I am sure a lot of you will be in weddings this summer, so here's my advice, spoken from the perspective of both a veteran bridesmaid and a recent(ish) bride.

So you've recently been asked to be a member of someone's wedding party. That's where you made your mistake- you were too good of a friend to someone, and this is your punishment. It's obviously an honor to be asked to be in a friend's wedding, but it is also a big responsibility- physically, financially and emotionally. Your jobs, while simple, extend beyond wearing an ugly dress or tux and holding your friend's hair/car keys at the bachelor/bachelorette party (although those things are certainly required, as well).

Technically, the responsibilities are as follows:
Maid of Honor: plan the bachelorette party and collaborate on the shower, give a toast at the wedding or rehearsal dinner, help the bride choose bridal party attire, serve as a liason between the bride and the rest of the bridal party (answer questions and deal with logistics, etc), help the bride get ready and stay calm on the wedding day.
Best Man: plan the bachelor party, give a toast at the wedding, help the groom choose groomsman attire, serve as a liason between the groom and the rest of the groomsmen (answer questions and deal with logistics, etc), help the groom get ready and stay calm on the wedding day.
Bridesmaids/Groomsmen: Help Maid of Honor and Best Man deal with all of these responsibilites.

But there are other, some might say more important, considerations, which come down entirely to your attitude. Here's a list of the things you should remember to do in order to be the best Best Man, the most honorable Maid of Honor, or the savviest bridesmaid or groomsman you can be.

1. Show Up
This sounds obvious, but the biggest responsibility of the wedding party is to make the bride and groom feel special and happy and unstressed and to help them have fun. And in order to do that you have to be present. That means you should plan on attending the shower, the engagement party, the bachelor/bachelorette party, the rehearsal, the rehearsal dinner and the wedding, and that you should also try to be available for envelope-stuffing and making favors and dress fittings, if they ask you (or, if you want extra credit, you can offer). And be on time for all of it. Seriously. If you live far away and simply can't make it to all the auxiliary parties, you should at least pretend to try to make it and apologize a lot (and you should still send a gift to the shower, bridesmaids).

2. Listen Up
Planning a wedding is stressful- dealing with different tastes, merging two families, and dealing with the delicate business of budget can be overwhelming. Chances are, your friend is going to need to vent to someone other than their fiancé(e). Sorry, but you're that person. So whether your friend wants to regale you with the difficulties of finding the perfect ribbon, or is just desperate to talk about something- anything- other than the wedding, try to be a pal and listen. As a bonus, they may honestly ask your opinion about things, allowing you to gently suggest the less expensive hotel, or the less hideous cummerbund. But if they don't ask, don't tell. That brings me to...

3. Shut Up
Look, unless all of your friends are from Stepford, it's not likely that five women are all going to love wearing the same dress. Sure, it stings to shell out $200 for a dress that normally someone couldn't pay you to wear, but that's part of the deal you made with the devil...oops, I mean, the bride. Don't complain about it unless she genuinely seeks your input. And even then, tread very softly. Also, try to keep your feelings about what you are paying to be in the wedding to yourself. Unless the couple is really out of control with what they are asking (bachelor party in Monaco, anyone?) and you truly feel an intervention is necessary, zip it. Don't drop snarky hints, no matter how tempting.

4. Party Down...
During the wedding festivities, try to be an active and fun participant in everything. Pay attention during the rehearsal, have a good attitude during the hair/make-up part of the morning, be available to take the groom to a fun, casual lunch if he needs a break on the day of the wedding. At the reception, smile and mingle, chat with the people at your table. If asked, deliver a toast (it doesn't have to be perfect- enthusiasm goes a long way), and pay attention during other people's toasts. Ask the bride's nephew or the groom's great-aunt to dance, if it seems like they might like to.

5...But Not Too Much
Really, really, try to limit the amount you drink at the wedding events. Lord knows that open bars are tempting, and feel free to have a few drinks (it's a celebration!) but stop before you start losing control. Do you really want to be remembered as the groomsman who was wearing the tie on his head? Remember, people take a lot of pictures at weddings. Also, limit yourself even further at the Rehearsal Dinner, and resist the urge to drink a lot and stay out late. The wedding day is a big, full day, with a lot to deal with for the wedding party. In order to be the best friend you can be (not to mention, to hold your head high in that ridiculous outfit), you are much much better off without a hangover. Chalk that one up to personal experience.

If you do all these things, you will be admired and beloved by your friends, who will feel so grateful and indebted to you that they will never ask you for anything again.

Until they have a baby.


photo credit: Elizabeth Anne Designs